dull.. jus finish packing all my stuff..
school starts tml.. and so is mid yr exam. wish me luck- lots of it. i need it!


what a great day yesterday and today. finally my sis got her bonus and she bought me this great pair of slippers from charles and keith which cost abt $28 and she would never spend such money like that. but she's so nice and everything willing to spend on me without complains or anything. not like she never buy any expensive gifts on me. but recently she's been spending so much. usually she so thrifty.
i simply love my sister. the second one. my er jie is so great - i love her. let's say if we get married and stay apart someday. we'll meet up on weekend to swim and go shopping. yap! i love her. she's great. she is my sweetest sister. she protects me, scolds me , beats me, hits me, she's crazy (just that nt many ppl understands her) and she loves me all the same. i just love spending time with her. sister hood still rox. after all, she's the one i gone thru all the thicks and thins.


as for my elder sister, i still have nothing much to say to her. i dont know why. and stop leaving some "we are family" book on my table. i'm not the one with the problem. argh.
i've been mean to her. not really. she's much more bitchy. and the moment she provokes me. i'm going mad. really mad.


i'm feeling better. no more angry tears.
had dinner with my sister. and she inspired me to sms him.

"Yang... i know i very hurt just now but no matter what after hurt,sad,depressed or anything..i still love you this wonderful boyfriend"


she reminded me how lucky i am to have such a good boy friend. and i have to admit. he's really the best. what more could i ask for? except for some little changes. hmmm.. i guess i forgave him the moment i sms him or call him. bcos' i feel so...heartache for him just like he heartache for me =)
is just a small thing. we'll forget it someday. how abt the 7mths plus that we have gone thru'. there are greater storms that we have brave through. we still got longer routes to walk on...hand in hand..


on the other hand...
jus now receive a call from kel.. she so sad...... my heart really pain. want to rush to find her. but i guess she with her dar outside somewhere...hope she okay... keep saying want to die... sighhh... pray that everything is fine for her and her love !


love is such complicating matters!!


7.35p.m
Dear diary..
today is a terrible day. somehow i was reminded of how sad, depressed, disappointed i could get in a relationship. and how lonely i could feel at the split second. no for that 20-30 mins period. how hurt i could get. how hurt by a guy i love. maybe i shouldnt be blogging this down if is all pure sad memories. after tons of arguement. i came to only one conclusion " are u sick of this relationship and all these arguements?" or "are u sick of me? "


for being alone at that point. or feeling alone. i thought i could take it easy. but i took it a little too hard. i didnt realise all this tension, anger, hurts could build up in me so much that all you do is to give me a look, a nodd or anything, an expression to cause that eruption in me. yes. i exploded. and i hell care anything. i made my stand. would u give in? no. u have to argue back even when my tears are falling like mad. even when i collapse and loose control of myself in public.
all fair in a fight. there's no one to judge who's wrong or right. but this time, i just wish you could let me win; and i did. i won it painfully. it caused a scar right on my heart. i said hurtful words and i care i did hurt you. but what you said. and done. can you un-said it or un-done it? perhaps u didnt realise the amount of hurt you did to me too. that i felt so much to slap you at that moment. bcos the person i knew wasnt there anymore.


i'm tired of being concern of hurting you. instead. who's consoling me. and in the end. yes u'll console me just becos' i begged for one. so pathetic? and then i didnt do anything wrong. maybe i assume that. but i dont care. i have many valid reasons to prove my point. but proving that point would hurt me outright when i say it in your face.Yes you would apologise over and over. Yes you would change. but such words are purely words. i dont need any promises. i only want to see actions done. i'm not that good either. all i try is to improve and maybe i didnt go very far. so i'll remain like this and so will you and one day we wait for the ultimate choice- the leave me alone Solution.


i'm just a woman. and i ask for nothing more but to be consoled when i need to. a shoulder to lean on. i cant say much now. after what is said and done. could everything be erased ? no. i only wish i could forgive it all. but i cant seems to forget it now..i'm feeling so tired of everything.... i'm drifting away from reality. i'm feeling grumpy and miserable. and abit numbed from all this pain.



Hui ting's
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

this is such an old pic. but i feel like posting it even though my hair looks wierd. also i dont have that many pics taken with mum. Recently, she's been treating me rather nice. hmmmm... :)

she work so hard. all i want is to give her a better life. but i'm not even doing well at my studies now.sighh.. i feel so out-of-control. she seems to realise she cant control me much. i seems to have all the freedom in the world. yet i feel so helpless. helpless that i cant excel in everything i do now. yet i feel so happy that i know what kind of life i want in the future. everytime, i jus love discussing the future, now and ever with yang. planning and stuff. i jus love to plan my life the way i want..

dear diary,
i flip back a few entries of my blog. somehow i realise i dont blog like i used to. i cant seems to find the "feel" anymore. i even find blogging a chore. no right words to describe how a day is gone through. no right feelings to be felt. i feel so shagged.


this morning. woke up at 7. i finally had good six hrs of sleep. packed my bag. heading for a swim. walked all the way to the bus stop then i realise i forgot to bring my towel so i went back and walked back to the busstop; the weather became so bad. i went home again. sat at my door step to eat an apple. i dont know how long i sat there. waiting for my cat to finish playing outside then carry it back home. i feel so silly sometimes. i take things a little too slow. maybe i'm too lazy. i feel like sleeping again. sigh sigh sigh.


last night watched SuperStar on channel u. too bad, wasnt able to attend the show that day. if not i'll surely wanna give some support to leon. nice of him wanting to give me the tic, since he can only ask 15 ppl to go. but really happy for him. ha.. i always wonder someday.. he become a star.. seems so.. "fantasy"


wonder whats like to be on a stage performing like that. the channel u film everything like a movie. it would be nice to perfom on stage, if i'm taller, slimmer, and a sweeter voice. but nah. i wouldnt be that and wouldnt suit such a lifestyle. but once in a lifetime to be on tv, not such a bad idea.


i miss everyone. why am i always saying this. talk to hongwei that day, crap a bit, tell him to watch superstar cos i'm one of the audience. hope he can spot me lol.yun yun is like forever not coming to take her book. exam is on monday girl~


i'm bored. i hate exams.................................................!


i dont know i dont know i dont know...whats wrong with my LiFe!?
bleahs.

i dont know how many nice tee shirts should i buy. i got so many of them. and i love every single of them. today. i finally manage to wake up at 7+ but unable to go for a tanning or swim bcos' of the rain. sighh. i dont feel like hitting the pool alone. but i feel even more tired to meet up with anyone so early. so!

my morning - eating sandwiches
then practise belly dancing.
walk all the way to yang's house. hmm..
study lit.. for maybe 40 mins.
then went to suntec to shop.
yang bought for me another tee shirt. lime green!
had so much cheese these days.
ate one triple decker cheese cake / ice blended chocolate from coffee bean
bought a cheesecake, ham, wholemeal bread from Carfour
found a gift for Joce.


i've been looking forward to the bbq. :) looking forward to the last paper and Weeee.. i want to relax and go Msia again!

studying is boring.
i need to get some new bikinis. sighhhh


i'm freaking out. another thirty bucks spend on medication.
bla..please i spend 100 bucks this month for seeing 3 different docs.. sob..
i jus want to sleep at night peacefully.
i jus wanna feel healthy.
wats wrong with me..
i dont feel like studying now. i even feel like dropping out
i'm so sick of studies
i am so failing behind
i dont want.
i jus wanna go out and have some fun


sighh..
yest was fun. met with huiling and qi at school. instead of studying for lit. we ended up talking abt Sims. i cant believe the 3 of us have such common interest. ha..
the whole conversation goes with how to kill your sims. we suggested stuffing its head down the toilet bowl and drown him to death. and i guess Huiling've the ambition of being a security guard which pays 500 per day. lol. i swear i'm so addicted to Sims. i want all the versions of it. i want to create my own perfect world to live in =)

Qi and i left early to shop at tm. nothing much to see so we ended up chatting abt our problems. yes. family. i dont know how things have turned out so badly. perhaps i already couldnt click with her. her hypocritical self. her so called perfection. is irritating. since she have forced me to this state. i might as well admit myself to fate. i believe she's not as happy as i can be. i dont wanna be in such a terrible state. i know u'll be mocking at me.

i didnt realise yang understand me so well. my little actions and decisions seems to be transparent to him. his words woke me up and caused those tears to fall. yes all i want for a better life for her. sometimes you believe you try so hard perhaps to give your parents a better life. but how she hurts me with her words her actions. my feelings - she so oblivious to it. i admit i am not better than the others. or her. but why blame me for my incompetence. i am only human.

yet sometimes like yesterday. her concerns i've never seen before. i suspect she heard me cried and my confession to my dear sis. i didnt know i could hate someone. or detest someone so close to me. both are my sisters. one i would do anything for her. the other i wish i never need to be close to her. i'm not cruel. i just seen things. i accept it like you did. how u used me. used my emotions. how you twist every situation to your benefit. take it. is alright. i dont mind anymore. i wont fight. bcos i wont be unfeeling to you. tell the whole world how bad i am. it doesnt matter. bcos they are ppl who are true will believe me.


that day my confession. my outburst. my dear sis was hurt. she soothe me with her words and her concern; "why didnt i know all this. why did you conceal all this. since when did it happen." later did she know i hide it for years. my hurts. i could no longer endure all this. why did death this thought come upon my mind. if not for what happened in this house. what- such a facade- bcos everything is based on only the appearance.. i detest it so much. i could almost kill myself so i would not live in it.


phew. jus got home after dinner with yang. after going to media corps to watch the quarter finals for males 'jue dui super star'. the main purpose was to support leon. it was really crappy cos we waited v long for this n that. me and yang got there early jus so we thought we could have gotten better place at the studio. but the management was really lousy. but anyway the whole show was great to listen to the six quarter finalist. and my conclusion is M3 jun yang is fantastic. and of cos he sang very well. just like JJ! :)z his voice is superb. and of cos leon was great too. got 2nd place ^_^ but guess he was too tense..where's the smile? he would look charming if he smiles more. i really admire m5 weilian. he is blind and not able to see anything. but i guess his voice touch the hearts of many. and of cos m4 n m8 really handsome and great smile! m1 is cute.hmm... i guess all of them perfoming tonight did very well. but i really love m3 voice.


my day:
this morning ate breakfast at yang's place as usual. had our duck porridge and vegetarian food. i'm falling in love with such food. we slept thru out the whole afternoon. got dressed up and headed to bishan for Swensen'
the menu:
sirlon steak
salmon with teriyaki sauce
calamari
apple crumble with ice cream- sizzling
total cost : abt 60
i treated yang to this long awaited meal. finally can treat him to something good. :) but i sort of wanted to eat at 'ding tai fung' and 'nydc' nvm maybe tml perhaps?


we went shopping. and i love the dresses at Shibuya. the great sale and everything is like so damm cheap. the dresses which i bought last time cost abt 60 but drop to the price of 20 bucks. i love the black dress but yah.not in my size -_-" and the rest...nothing good. yang bought me a new necklace from 'Xcessories' really sweet and match my dress for tonight. guess i was overdress tonight. but since he like my dressing. who cares? i wanted to shop a little more but time was limited. headed to town. tried on a couple of clothes and all very nice but still i did not get anything. took a cab to media corps.


we reached the studio earlier then expected. and to my amaze, the recording in the studio so much different from live tv. i dont like it. mc king is really funny crapping making everyone enjoy his jokes. he says acting = everything is fake. hmmm..
now i agree so much with it. everything can NG even our clapping. everything need coordination. so troublesome. everything is done part by part n piece together at the end of the day. the acting the main course. and the music, backgrd, effects are just the side dish and garnish.


what a day!


some tears will do the heart some good...


=) my life seems to be getting more and more relax everyday. its scary. i've been doing nothing for a week plus.i miss my friendssssss woah. sian sian sian. i wanna go sentosa. having plans after june exam. msia again! my sis getting all excited for another trip. cant wait to go on another trip with yang.

he's so sick.. i try to take care of him. but guess i'm really not that good at it. except for travelling down to see him everyday. for an hr or two. bought 2 bikini from far east yest.on sale.hee since yang was so sick. i had fun using his card. :)z wanted to get two polo tee from gio for him but had to rush home.had fun shopping even though the crowd was unbearable.


bored bored bored. playing sims now. jus met yang this morning.still sick and unwell. :( today his exam hope he do well. but we barely study anything. sigh sigh sigh. wish we all get well soon and have some fun outside!

i need time management please -_-"


sick sick sick again.
never recover getting more sick than ever.
been to the doc yest again. total medical fee for this week is 66 bucks.
i could use this money for good. why am i so sick?
barely studied.
up this morning. decided to brew this "zhi ke tang" some kind of cough remedy soup for yang. he caught the sickness from me. so sick with cough. i've finished the whole bottle of cough med yet i am still suffering from all this illness. have i become so weak?

well anyway this is my first time brewing such things. i have no idea what to do. called my sister. ask the shop keeper. do this and that. should be simple. right? yea right.

The entire 2 weeks feel wasted, wasted and empty. The hours just blended together today, coming together in a monotonous mixture. i think i am losing touch. with reality, i feel so disoriented now. i'm not upset. i just feel wasted. panic. and depressed. perhaps i foresee my future. the mid yr exam. miss lam said that those who fail would have a parent meeting session. oh so greatttt! -_-"

nvm. need to do housework now : )Z
and bring a hot piping bowl of herbal soup for him!


i suddenly realise i'm going to flunk my mid yr again?
siggghhh...
i'm really down..


dear diary...
i am sick for 3 whole days and yest was the last straw. went to amk clinic since almost all the clinics were closed! didnt realise it was saturday- half day. so anyway the "PeacE" clinic at amk is really nice. there's tv, sofas, cute n nice docs and the charges are really reasonable. first my sis was sick and the next day she was fine. first i wasnt really sick and it got worse and worse until i realise it was throat infection. it was so bad that the infection affects my ears the nerves. worse to worse.i got headache,rashes,cough and flu now. to be sick for so many days. i barely study at all. and feeling lousy and ugly. and is getting really irritating to be sick on holidays. i really wanna go camping. but i really dont wanna flunk my mid yr now. sighh.. dont even know whether i can make it anot.


i have no apetite. and i spend the whole morning doing housework, paper work and kissing my dogs. yest night. my dear yang yang off work. drove me to get my med and went to my aunt house to service her air con. see him so hardworking and looking so "man" as he concentrate on servicing the two dirty aircons. hah.. so proud of him =P my aunt was pretty sastisfied with the job done and paid him some cash. and i got ten bucks for recommendation.heeeee. yang say i want what, he'll work hard to get it for me. but what more could i ask for.. when i have him and i have everything. =P musshy musshy. i dont care ^_^


i miss him so much now. working again. but nvm i'll see him soon. isnt life so pretty? :)z yes it is.


i'm sick so sick my legs are weak. arg so wasted to be sick on holidays.stuck with my sis, poor thing she is more sick we are all sick.. haix..
nvm.. go and watch "Monster in laws" and hug my doggies..waiting for my dear..to acc me ba.. :)

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

us
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

in the hotel room..
wo shi xin fu de nui ren!

DSC07526
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

hheh hehh..micky mouse watch..couple eh

my life is perrrrfect haha
ok not exactly that. BUT
what can i say? life isnt so bad after all.

firstly, my msia trip with yang was great. everything was superb!!! eh too lazy and too many pics to upload.so i discover so many wonderful things in msia. shopping is great. yang bought me a pair of Nike sports shoes for our 7mths anni. and we both bought a pair of Adidas shoes frm KL..heh heh.. :)z i love it so much. i got myself a pair of sunglasses. a KL tee shirt. hmm.. a mickey mouse watch so did yang. and a mickey mouse tee shirt. some lingerie, watch for mum, some vcds and ..cant remember.. so ! i'm preparing for my hols album : ). anyway hope some ppl miss me like yun yun la.. and i know wenqi miss me but she denied. whatever-


hols starts now. nice but abit no. cos i think my time will all be drained out for studies. everyday all i do is lie in his arms. omg better stop my indulgence. hmm.. as i watched such a scene unfold infront of my eyes. i kind of predicted what a future for me. i mean qi have to say good bye to her bf going to ns. really see them cant bear to part. sigh sigh. dont worry he'll come out as a better man to protect u :)z


hah..cant wait for exams to be over. so we can go bbq for jo's bday. yippie! oh and this hols have to make up for qi's bday= how abt wild wild wet or escape or zoo? have no idea but dont worry we;ll make up to you babe :)

some plans to make. busy busy little girl already. my life so pack with everything. but its so fun! so relax! so exciting! for everyday to come. so anyway sat = k box (ps: hope my voice recover)


heh heh.. jus finish reading kel's blog.. see getting more sweet everyday/my life so good. got such friends who love me. haha.. cant help laughing over the old memories. i'll never get tired of it. is just part of us. and i love her to bits. every bit. who cares what others think. as long as we love each other. 10,20,30 years down the road..until the day i see her in her white gown walking down the asisle and until we become pretty tai tai sharing home cooked food recipe.. :)
hee... ya can see she suffering from love sick now. become spoilt le..haha.. need love every second..hmm so do i! ^_^ let love seep into our life.... life is soooo sweet.. blissful every single day!